Cloutier Sucks.

Seriously. At what point does a fan just throw up their hands and walk away? I love to write. I love to blog. I love hockey. I love the Kings. But I feel like an idiot for spending time watching Cloutier help other teams' Goals For Average, when I could be transcribing the lyrics to the new Constantine Maroulis album. I'm trying to find a hobby that I can do while "watching" Kings games, that will distract me enough to not care when Cloutier lets in the first goal. In the first period. On the first shot. In the first minute.

Roenick Watch

Anze Kopit-art

OK, first of all I'm sorry if I offended anyone by calling the ANZE wall art "graffiti". Who would have thought that a bunch of people with spray paint could be so sensitive. And second, I don't know who is doing it, so stop e-mailing me. I've just seen it like everyone else and commented about it and put up the pic I had. Here is another one that STICKSAVEDUDE sent me, but that is all I have. OK? I wasn't expecting this response, I was just saying what I saw.

Runnin' with the Devils

OK. Now I get it. The whole "Anze Kopitar" is the greatest thing since sliced bread thing? Yeah, I get it now, OK? I'm still not sure I understand all the ANZE graffiti that I'm starting to see everywhere, but I'm officially a member of the Anze Kopitar Fan Club. Anze only had 1 assist officially for the Kings last night in their AWESOME win against the New Jersey Devils, but he played like a dude possessed and was all over the ice. And his overtime shootout goal was like legendary. Finally seeing this guy pour it on live was something to see. And the rest of the team looked really good too. Avery was on fire again and about got his head taken off by a hit that was even worse than the attack by Jagr a few weeks ago. But he shook it off and played like an all star. And Frolov? Still no wraparounds since I busted him of it, and he look awesome also. Lubo looked great. Dustin Brown looked great. Cammy, again, looked great. And Cloutier looked great... sitting on the bench, playing with his Gameboy and just staying out of everybody's way. Garon was AWESOME! I can't write much today because my Grammie is in town and she wants to take me out for lunch and go Christmas shopping. I think she's going to get me a new laptop since my iBook screen is all flickery. That would be cool, but just hanging out with Grammie is cool anyways. I Love you, Grams!

• Final Score: Kings 3, Devils 2 SO/OT

"But I love you, Baby..."

Last year in Mrs. Dorie's Psych class, we spent a week learning about co-dependance and what makes people stay in abusive relationships. It was like soooo boring and meant mostly for the girls in our class that had low self-esteem and stuff. Well, anyway, at the end of the week she showed us this movie about a woman who's boyfriend is mean to her all the time, and hits her and calls her really horrible things, and all her friends keep saying "Leave him. He's a jerk. He doesn't deserve you. yada, yada, yada..." But the reason I remember this movie so well is because the acting was sooo bad and the guy who played the mean boyfriend was wearing a terrible fake mustache. But anyway, at the end of the movie, the girl decides she is going to leave the guy who is so horrible to her, then he turns around and does something sweet for her. And he keeps saying over and over, "But I love you, baby. But I love you, Baby." And do you know what? That's where the movie ended and it looked like the woman was going to fall for it. And everyone in our class was like "Geez, that girl is DUMB!"

So last night, the Kings beat Calgary, basically saying "But I love you, Baby." to every fan that was about to walk away from this stupid and abusive relationship that they have with this team. Yeah, they cleaned up real good. They were polite. The goaltending was great. They played for 60 minutes. They hit. They defended. They worked in their zone. Basically, they didn't hurt us for an evening. "But I love you, Baby." Kopitar finally got a goal at home. They didn't play Cloutier. "Really, Baby. I love you." Those who should have scored, did. Those who should have played defense, did. And those who should have made a great save now and again, did. "But I love you, Baby." Yes, now I know that this team loves me. They really do. I'm not going anywhere, because they've changed their ways, and it's going to be a beautiful season after all.

• Final Score: Kings 3, Flames 1

"But I love you, Baby..."

Roenick Watch

The Buchwald Report

So I had breakfast with former NY Rangers GM and current OLN/VS/THE RODEO NETWORK blabber-mouth Neil Smith. I wouldn't say we were friends - frankly I see him as the Forrest Gump of hockey - but he offered to buy me breakfast, and I lost my wallet at Scores whilst getting a lap-dance from one Ginger LaRue. But anyhow, it was free breakfast and a chance to yak about hockey and maybe get a few inside scoops.

But here is something that most people don't know about Neil Smith, and actually, I had completely forgotten; the man loves olives. He carries a small case with him everywhere that has small jars of every kind of olive imaginable. Whole. Sliced. Pitted. Stuffed. You name it, it's in his little case. So he orders a bowl of Irish Oatmeal and a stack of pancakes, and starts droning on and on about some inane crap about how the "Ted Nugent: How To Gut A Groundhog" special on OLN got better ratings than most NHL games on the network. I tuned him out completely and just watched his mouth move up and down non-stop while I mentally played the Aerosmith "Rocks" album in my head until the food came. So our food finally comes during "Get The Lead Out", and I jump right into my Mucho Bacon platter, when Neil pulls out his olive case. He drops about a dozen black olives into his oatmeal, and smothers his pancakes in sliced Greeks that have been pickled in some kind of Uzo brine. Now I'm getting ready to puke - first from the sight of this, then from the smell - and he's blabbering on and on about some Bass Fishing Tournament mini-series on OLN and how they don't count the weight of the lures during weigh ins. So I just grabbed all the bacon I could and stuffed it in my jacket pocket, where - surprise! - there I find my wallet. It turns out that Ginger didn't roll me after all when I passed out in the Pleasure Pen. Looks like I owe somebody an apology...

Flyers still looking to move Forsberg. He's arguing that he has a no-trade clause, while Philly is arguing that they have a we-don't-give-a-damn clause.

• Buchwald Rating = M3

Word out of Anaheim says that the Ducks, who many favor to win it all, are getting ready to begin rebuilding. "With the team playing so well," said one insider, "these players values are high. Now's a good time to make some moves to start building for the future."

• Buchwald Rating = R8

The Los Angeles Kings are standing pat, but are looking to lock Cloutier up for an additional 10 years. "Ten years of number one draft picks will have the Kings looking real good for the opening of the 2016-2017 season." said a source.

• Buchwald Rating = F9

Columbus just signed Ken Hitchcock, and are currently looking at Andy Murray to "be Ken's Mr. Greenjeans."

• Buchwald Rating = A7

Phoenix Coyotes are looking to make a deal for a time machine so they can go back in time and NOT sign Jeremy Roenick, Curtis Joseph, Owen Nolen, Derek Morris and Nick Boynton.

• Buchwald Rating = R1

The Washington Capitals are trying to claim that since they have the rights to Ovechkin, that they also have the rights to any of his future offspring, and are currently trying to get him to make deposits into the Washington Mutual Sperm Bank as part of an undisclosed "future considerations" clause in his contract.

• Buchwald Rating = T4

That's all I have for now. Come back, Tickles. We miss you. (And please have your father contact me about the status of the background check I had to submit to. Thanks.)

Roenick Watch

Wildtracks Stalker

So I had to shut down comments for the time being, and I can't post for a while because of Dateline NBC's "To Catch A Predator" show. You see, there's some guy who has enjoyed bugging me from his computer at work. No prob, I just delete the jerky comments from my blog with my Trio when I get notified of them. It's my blog, get it? (Trio is WAY much better than a Blackberry, btw) But now Mr Wildtracks started IM'ing me from home and asking for pictures and stuff. So my dad sees this show about dumb guys trying to hook up with like 14 year olds and stuff, and he kinda flips and starts getting ISP information and everything, and says I can't post anymore until he takes care of it. I'll make sure Roenick Watch still posts his stuff, and I just emailed Reginald Buchwald telling him I need another Buchwald Report, like pronto. I wish I could just write and not have to deal with this kinda crap, ya know?

Roenick Watch

Flyer, Flyer, Pants on Fire

Los Angeles vs Philadelphia

What do you call the guy who gets an assist on RJ Umberger's game winning goal? Umberger Helper.

I'm not even going to do a period by period breakdown of this stupid game. My brother took the tickets tonight, so I got to watch this embarrassing display from the comfort of my own couch. There was nobody sitting in front of me talking on their cell phone, the was no bratty kid sitting behind me kicking my seat, and there were no Flyers fans rubbing it in my face when the Kings choked on another one like Mama Cass at a bratwurst buffet (I had a Paris Hilton joke there, but my dad said it was too crude... I don't even know who Mama Cass is.) Anyhow, the Kings were up by two goals late in the game, and in a span of three minutes, were then down by a goal. Gagne. Umberger. Umberger... Bing. Bam. Boom... Tic. Tac. Toe... Suck. Suck. Suck...

A good goaltender is supposed to be able to steal some games for you. All Cloutier has stolen this season is my desire to go to Kings games. The only positive is that since I got all in Frolov's face about him and his stupid wrap-arounds, well, he stopped doing them, and is scoring like a madman. Way to go, Fro! Now if you would be so kind as to get Cloutier to read my blog so I can give him this piece of advice: STOP SUCKING! Please, just stop. And that goes for almost everyone on this dumb team. C'mon guys. I'm dying to say nice things about you guys, I really am. You're forcing me to get ugly here.

Final stupid score: Kings 3, Flyers 4

Roenick Watch

Shy As Raw Duck

So I tuned in to the Ducks game tonight to see George Parros play his first game for Anaheim. Former King, all around good guy, and - prior to him sporting that thing on his upper lip - a bit of a cutie. (How many innocent animals had to die for you to have that, George?) You see, Georgie went and growed himself a mustache over the summer, and it's creepy to say the least. Now he looks like one of those guys who drives around in a custom van with bondo on the sides, asking girls if they need a ride anywhere, or asking guys if they want to go "smoke out". He's a nice guy though, so I turned on the Ducks game to see if he would get any ice time. And to see if he might have shaved that stupid thing off yet. Ice time, yes. Shave the lip beaver, no.

Unfortunately for the Ducks, Parros didn't bring his "A" game tonight. And I don't even think his "B" or "C" game made an appearance tonight either, as the Ducks got spanked by the leagues limpest. Flyers 7, Ducks 4. Maybe Parros, a Princeton graduate, is just there to keep Brian Hayward, Ducks play-by-play sphincter and Cornell graduate, company during the long and tedious road trips. Maybe they can play anagram games, or have Sudoku races, or just compare GPA transcripts.

Good luck, Georgie.

Roenick Watch

So as you've probably already noticed, I didn't bail on this blog. I had like NO idea how many people were reading it. I guess Constantine Maroulis fans are just more chatty than your average hockey fan. That's OK. And in addition to all the comments I got, I got a lot more emails, and in some of those emails were people offering to help in many different ways. We now have the Roenick Watch, which keeps track of the stellar efforts of our favorite cheesy-smelling, whiney headed former King. Hopefully Roenick Watch's keyboard doesn't run out of "0"s before the end of the season. Also, I have a guy who's helping me out with some graphics so the site at least looks cool, even when I'm tired or sick. Then there is "Reginald Buchwald", our super secret guy-in-the-know, with all his inside sources and ESPN-like knowledge of the game. This guy really knows his stuff.

Thanks again for all the kind words and advice. It certainly helped me get over being sick, especially since Heather is like really mad at me AND WON'T EVEN RETURN MY CALLS, YOU LITTLE B*TCH! Anyhow, if you have any other ideas, fell free to email me at TICKLESMC@GMAIL.COM.

Go Kings Go!

Shark Tale II: Electric Boogaloo

Los Angeles vs San Jose

Same cast, different story. Shark Tale II: Electric Boogaloo addresses so many of the unanswered questions of previous Shark Tale that had to be endured last week. Questions like: What if Cloutier only let in one bad goal, instead of the usual four? What if the Kings played for the entire 60 minutes, instead of the usual 20? What if Dustin Brown did more hitting than a pimp on payday? And what if Frolov did something, ANYTHING, that wasn't a wrap-around? That's right folks, that's what I saw tonight, and I'm givin it TWO THUMBS UP! Way up!

Act I:
This movie started in typical Kings fashion - give up a goal on the first shot. Seemed as if the plot was going to be the same, but with less then a minute left in the period, Frolov does the unexpected. He shoots the puck without even a hint of a wraparound. I'll have to see the replay on TV, but I'm pretty sure he even meant to shoot it.

• End of Act 1: Kings 1, Sharks 1

Act II:
This is where a lot of character development and plot points are established. Nothing much going on story wise, just a lot of Dustin Brown realigning spines. Avery has been looking good, and tonight he was like a little waterbug all over the place.

• End of Act 2: Kings 1, Sharks 1

Act III:
Here's where the story gets scary. Cloutier's baby soft goal in the first minute is like that scene in Psycho when the old lady stabbed the girl in the shower. No, it wasn't the end of the movie, but it was scary as all hell. But Lubo tied it up a few minutes later. Then Brown gave the Kings the go ahead goal with less than five minutes left. Wow, all that hitting, then getting the game winner. You're doin' a heck of a job, Brownie. Frolov capped it off with an empty netter, and I swear I could see in his eyes that he wanted to do a wrap-around.

Final Score: Kings 4, Sharks 2

Looking California, but feeling Minnesota

Los Angeles vs Minnesota

So I'm kinda sorry I said that Cammalleri had a "muscled up, Jon Favreau, Virginia-ham head" cause after seeing him tonight, well I'm pretty impressed. Thankfully, he doesn't read this site, otherwise... But I guess Frolov might read my blog, cause he didn't even bother with a wrap-around. Not even once. Maybe he's sick. Hey Fro, the only thing worse than having just one move, is have NO moves. Speaking of having moves, Trevor was not our usher tonight. Kinda bummed me out. I asked the girl who was tonight where he was and she said she thinks he's sick and she's just covering for him, so that made me feel a little better. Then they announced that Garon was in goal for the night, and that made me feel great.

Period 1:
Guess what? The Kings didn't suck. I know, I could believe it either. I even made sure my phone was fully charged since I thought I'd be texting all night, but I didn't IM anyone during the game because the game was that good, that should tell you something. Dustin Brown was hitting the snot out of everyone on the ice. I think he just likes hitting people. Norstrom got a goal early and the guys kept it tight for the entire period. This game was actually watchable.

• End of Period 1: Kings 1, Wild 0

Period 2: Man, Staples was like seriously empty. I don't know how much we our paying for our family seats, but we should just get nosebleeds and walk down. Nobody would care. Kings gave up a goal towards the end of the period, but they didn't melt down afterwards like they usually do, and only gave up the one.

• End of Period 2: Kings 1, Wild 1

Period 3: God, I hate stupid people. So I'm in line for a hotdog and a Mountain Dew. That's all I wanted. One hotdog. One Mountain Dew. The line like didn't even move for like 10 minutes, and now I have to pee. I have a really small bladder, and once it's full, I gotta go. So I have to get out of line and go to the bathroom, and now I'm in line for the stall, and the girl in the stall that I'm waiting for is having like some serious intestinal issues. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, then finally stall next to it opens up. So now I'm sitting next to the girl with the intestinal problems, and she's not having any fun. And frankly, neither am I. I'm just trying to get out of there before I gag to death. Then when I open the stall to leave (finally), I hear her talking to herself about she'll never' ever eat another hotdog, ever. By this time the players were already back on the ice and the concession thing was empty. So I just got a Mountain Dew and went back to my seat. We'll just stop at FatBurger on the way home.

• End of Period 3: Kings 2, Wild 2

Overtime: Was very exciting. Cammi almost won it with a few seconds left. Went to the shoot-out where the Wild won it. FatBurger was awesome since I was sooo starving, but the milkshake machine was still broken (it's been broken for like 2 months already).

• Final Score: Kings 2, Wild 3

TM

Roenick Watch

The Buchwald Report

Happy to be on-board the Tickles blog. There are a lot of rumors flying around, so let's get right to it:

Philly shopping Forsberg. Interested teams include the Ducks, Rangers, Lightning and Coyotes.

• Buchwald Rating = B3

Canucks making a play for Jagr. A buddy of mine said he had a dream about this. He's been right before, so I have to go with it.

• Buchwald Rating = I4

Crawford given ultimatum. If the Kings don't get two W's in the next five games, sources say he's out.

• Buchwald Rating = N6

Conroy to Flames. Kings will want 3-first rounders in return. Negotiations have stalled.

• Buchwald Rating = G7

Kings eyeing Marty Murray. Kings have been quietly waiting for the perennial 4th liner to be put on waivers and are hoping no other team notice if he is.

• Buchwald Rating = O3

Roenick Watch

Frolov Attempts Rap-Around; Fails.

Los Angeles vs San Jose

So I'm watching this game and just into the first period, I realize that I have to come up with a "Kings Lose" headline for my blog. So the usual suspects are tossed around; "Shark Attack", "Do You Know The Way To Beat San Jose", something using the word "Chum". But by the end of the game, what stuck in my head was "Frolov Attempts Rap-Around; Fails." because that seems like it represents this Kings team. Same ol' same ol'. I'd bet you could put the audio of any game this season over the video of any other game, it it would be surprisingly close. And Frolov? Get a new move, Fro. I soo can't believe I liked you so much last season. I mean, you are kinda cuter now that you did something with your hair, but if I'm your girlfriend, and all you got is one move, then I'm gonna start seeing if anyone else on the team is single. Avery already has Elisha, Conroy is too old, and Dustin Brown, well, I'm not ready for a Dustin Brown just yet. But I could see hooking up with Cammalleri. Even though he has one of those muscled up, Jon Favreau, Virginia ham heads, I could see it happening, cause he's still cute, and he's got some moves. More than one at least.

Period 1:
What the hell...

• End of Period 1: Kings 1, Sharks 4

Period 2:
Garon is Cloutier. Cloutier is Garon. Soft goaltending protected by soft defense. Is there any way to dock these guys' pay? I'm talking to Heather while I'm watching this and she says she's watching the Ducks game and about how great it is, and I'm like "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." Seriously, I can still sneeze on you Ice Dog jersey before I give it back to you, so just shut up. I'm pretty sure I'm still contagious.

• End of Period 2: Kings 2, Sharks 6

Period 3:
So I'm reading the comments that everybody left on my blog so I don't have to watch Frolov attempt yet another rap-around, and it looks like people actually do read my blog. Then I checked my e-mail, and WOW! Was I surprised. Thank you all who wrote and thanks for all the great ideas and offers. I have some very influential readers I guess, so I'm going to do some other stuff beside just Kings game rap ups. I'll keep you posted. Heather wants to do a "Hockey Hunk" thing, but I don't think that will be a good idea, at least not too much. Especially since she goes like all loopy just about every time a player takes off his helmet. Sorry Heather, I'll call you before you read this so you won't be surprised.

• Final Score: Kings 3, Sharks 7

LAME!

Good-bye cruel web...

I really thought doing a Kings blog would be more fun, but I was like soooo wrong. My old Constantine Maroulis blog was being viewed and commented on all the time, but it looks like nobody is coming here to read my hockey talk. Apparently nobody at the ConstantDreamboat blog cares about hockey, and nobody who watches hockey wants to read what the award winning writer of the Constantine Maroulis blog has to say. I feel like a Reeses Peanut Butter cup, ...someone got their hockey into my Constantine, (no, you got your Constantine in my hockey)... but instead of creating a creamy confectionary delight, it's just a lump of turd that nobody wants to get in their Halloween basket.

And I'm still really sick.

Clear Skies. High: 90°, Low: 62°

Los Angeles vs Colorado

Clear Skies. High: 90°, Low: 62°. That's the current weather for Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix is the closest thing to Hell that exists on earth - in more ways than I care to get into. And as you can see, Phoenix didn't freeze over, and neither did Hell. Yet Dan Cloutier still won a game for the Kings. That's right folks, I will type that again slowly so you can soak it in. C l o u t i e r w o n a g a m e f o r t h e K i n g s . The Kings finally figured out how to make Cloutier an effective goalie - spot him 6 goals. It was a fun game to watch, even though I am like sooo flippin' sick that it's not funny. I won't even bore you with stories about how many snot rags are on my bed right now, and even if I did, they would not be funny cuz' I am soo out of it. So here it goes.

Period 1: Craig Conroy got his first of the season as the Kings came out strong and looked ready to...


ah screw it. I am too sick to do this tonight. Just read about here if you really care.

• Final Score: King 6, Avalanche 5

Sorry. :(

Booyakasha!

Los Angeles Kings vs Phoenix Coyotes

I was going to title this blog entry "Coyote Ugly", but the guy over at this other Kings blog beat me to it. And the last thing I want is for people to be saying that Tickles McGinty steals other people's stuff, so now I'm stuck having to come up for another cool title for another fabulous installment of my commentary of another crappy game by the same frumpy Kings. And once you have a title like "Coyote Ugly" in your head, it's really hard to think of something else. Something about the desert, maybe? Arizona?There's Arizona Ice Tea... nah. "Phoenix Rising" sounds kinda cool, but it doesn't really mean anything. Heat? Cactus? I'm getting nothing here. Zilch. Maybe I should just go ahead and use "Coyote Ugly". I mean, it's not like it's never been used before, right? Isn't there an actor named Peter Coyote? Let me check IMDB.com to see what movies he's been in. Maybe that'll inspire something... Holy crap. That guy's been in like 106 movies, and I don't think I recognized a single one of them. And he actually does kinda look like a coyote. Dude is old, too. No help there. Screw it. I'll come up with something before I'm done with. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Period 1:
Yeay! Garon's in net, so we may have a chance in this game. Coyotes score first with a goal by Shane Doan, with an assist by none other than Mr. Cheesy himself, Jeremy Roenick. Roenick's assist tonight represents 25% of his entire offense so far this season. Padding your stats there, ay JR? 0 goals, 1 assist, 0 pims. My dad calls that a Charlie Huddy Hat-trick. That reference is a little before my time I think. Anyways, then I was fliiping around during a commercial and saw that HBO is like doing an Ali G marathon. I'll check it out during the intermission.

• End of Period 1: Kings 3, Coyotes 3

Period 2:
OK, I don't know what happened, but apparently they took out Garon and put in Cloutier, now all of a sudden the Coyotes have 6 goals. AGGGGHHH!!! I think I'm going to scream! Why can't they just leave Garon in? On HBO was the ALI G episode where Ali G blames the religious guy for "dropping a floater" in the backstage bathroom, and the religious guy is all like "I don't know what you're talking about." And Ali G keeps blaming him for anyway. I soo have to take a pee every time after I see that one. Heather and I will probably go see the Borat movie this weekend.

• End of Period 1: Kings 4, Coyotes 6

Period 3:
Snore. Snore. Snore. Snore. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. It's reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy hard to watch crappy hockey, especially when you know the Ali G with Andy Rooney is about to play on HBO. But from the looks of it, nothing happened. So who's kidding who here.

• FINAL SCORE: Kings 4, Coyotes 6

March Of The Penguins

Los Angeles Kings vs Pittsburgh Penguins

My brother took the tickets for tonight's game so I write tonight from watching it on TV. And since Mario Lemieux quit, the Penguins are not really worth seeing anyhow.

...I never really noticed how hard it is to spell Lemieux. I mean, I see it all the time and know how to say it, but typing it just then sent my spell-checker into a panic. So I went to look it up online, and since he's not a player anymore, he's not on a roster. So now since I don't know how to spell it, how am I supposed to look it up? "No entries for Lemiux found" "No entries for Lemuiex found". Seriously, no wonder people don't write articles about him anymore, I mean, who wants to look like and idiot by writing a story about someone, only to find out you spelled the guys name wrong? I don't know about you, but I probably would. Well then I happened to see that he was in last years issue of Hockey Hotties Magazine (that's what I call it anyhow..lol), and they had a picture of him playing golf with the guy who's on the Del Taco commercials. Anyway that's where I got the correct spelling of Mario Lemieux's name. And do you know what? It STILL upsets my spell-checker. And I guess now we know why we don't ever read anything about Claude Lemieux anymore

Period 1:
Cloutier is in goal. I'm not watching this crap. Time to catch-up on my Tivo'ed shows.

• End of Period 1: Kings 1, Penguins 2
  

Period 2:
The Cho brothers better win The Amazing Race. What they did for the Kentucky team was sooo sweet.

• End of Period 2: Kings 3, Penguins 2

Period 3:
So I flipped back to the game just in time to see Cloutier escort the game winning goal into his net. And apparently the guy Malkin who scored it was like the first Penguin rookie to score a goal in 89 years, or something like that.

• Final Score: Kings 3, Penguins 4
  

If someone could please explain this Cloutier thing to me, please do. Suck is as suck does. (I don't really know what that means, but I heard my dad saying when I went to the kitchen for some Sun Chips and it just sounds right.)

I'm out of room on my Tivo, so I have to watch Top Chef cuz I can't record it, so good night.

Tickles