Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Buchwald Report

So I had breakfast with former NY Rangers GM and current OLN/VS/THE RODEO NETWORK blabber-mouth Neil Smith. I wouldn't say we were friends - frankly I see him as the Forrest Gump of hockey - but he offered to buy me breakfast, and I lost my wallet at Scores whilst getting a lap-dance from one Ginger LaRue. But anyhow, it was free breakfast and a chance to yak about hockey and maybe get a few inside scoops.

But here is something that most people don't know about Neil Smith, and actually, I had completely forgotten; the man loves olives. He carries a small case with him everywhere that has small jars of every kind of olive imaginable. Whole. Sliced. Pitted. Stuffed. You name it, it's in his little case. So he orders a bowl of Irish Oatmeal and a stack of pancakes, and starts droning on and on about some inane crap about how the "Ted Nugent: How To Gut A Groundhog" special on OLN got better ratings than most NHL games on the network. I tuned him out completely and just watched his mouth move up and down non-stop while I mentally played the Aerosmith "Rocks" album in my head until the food came. So our food finally comes during "Get The Lead Out", and I jump right into my Mucho Bacon platter, when Neil pulls out his olive case. He drops about a dozen black olives into his oatmeal, and smothers his pancakes in sliced Greeks that have been pickled in some kind of Uzo brine. Now I'm getting ready to puke - first from the sight of this, then from the smell - and he's blabbering on and on about some Bass Fishing Tournament mini-series on OLN and how they don't count the weight of the lures during weigh ins. So I just grabbed all the bacon I could and stuffed it in my jacket pocket, where - surprise! - there I find my wallet. It turns out that Ginger didn't roll me after all when I passed out in the Pleasure Pen. Looks like I owe somebody an apology...

Flyers still looking to move Forsberg. He's arguing that he has a no-trade clause, while Philly is arguing that they have a we-don't-give-a-damn clause.
  • Buchwald Rating = M3
Word out of Anaheim says that the Ducks, who many favor to win it all, are getting ready to begin rebuilding. "With the team playing so well," said one insider, "these players values are high. Now's a good time to make some moves to start building for the future."
  • Buchwald Rating = R8
The Los Angeles Kings are standing pat, but are looking to lock Cloutier up for an additional 10 years. "Ten years of number one draft picks will have the Kings looking real good for the opening of the 2016-2017 season." said a source.
  • Buchwald Rating = F9
Columbus just signed Ken Hitchcock, and are currently looking at Andy Murray to "be Ken's Mr. Greenjeans."
  • Buchwald Rating = A7
Phoenix Coyotes are looking to make a deal for a time machine so they can go back in time and NOT sign Jeremy Roenick, Curtis Joseph, Owen Nolen, Derek Morris and Nick Boynton.
  • Buchwald Rating = R1
The Washington Capitals are trying to claim that since they have the rights to Ovechkin, that they also have the rights to any of his future offspring, and are currently trying to get him to make deposits into the Washington Mutual Sperm Bank as part of an undisclosed "future considerations" clause in his contract.
  • Buchwald Rating = T4
That's all I have for now. Come back, Tickles. We miss you. (And please have your father contact me about the status of the background check I had to submit to. Thanks.)