Roenick Watch

Money Back Garon-tee

Los Angeles Kings vs Dan Cloutier

So I hope everybody had a great Christmas. My Grammy got me a new iBook like I thought (thanks Grammy). Our own Reginald Buchwald got me a butter-dish shaped like a dolphin (cuz I like dolphins). Guy LeMonde got me a Starbucks gift card, and on the card he wrote "$50", but my dad said I should call the number on the back to make sure. And do you know what? They said the balance on the card was $4.17. Jerkhead. My dad called Mr. LeMonde the next day and "straightened things out". And the Roenick Watch guy didn't even send a card, but I think he said he was a Rastafarian or something like that, and I don't think they celebrate Christmas.

Do you know what else I got for Christmas? Dan Cloutier out of the net (Thanks Santa!). That's right, for the last 2 games, Mr. Score-your-first-NHL-goal-on-me Cloutier has been injured, and anyone and everyone who has replaced him has brought us 2 points. Now I would never wish injury to a player. Never. These guys are amazing with the amount of work they put into being a professional athlete, no matter how much they suck. It was like when I was still in school, and every year I complained and made fun of the Yearbook, then in my senior year, I joined Yearbook, and it was flippin' hard work. We busted our butts to get that thing out, and we didn't end up being able to do all the cool stuff we wanted, which sucked enough, but then people would complain about it. Sorry, but like I said, I'd never wish that on anybody. But darn if I didn't enjoy the heck out of watching the Kings beat Phoenix in OT with Brust in net, and then beat the snot out of Edmonton with Garon in net. And Anze Kopitar is a super stud muffin with sugar on top. I'm gonna do a story on him soon, I think.

Now I know this all relates to the Battered Fan Syndrome that I discussed a while ago, but I'm just enjoying this time with the Kings. My Kings. Because they love me. They really do.

~ Tickles

Rebuildy Mountain

Dear Kings,

We give up.



Sincerely,

Your Fans

Dear Santa...

Roenick Watch

PHOENIX - While watching his teammates workout and contemplating his own greatness, Coyotes forward Jeremy Roenick collects his own snot for his annual "JR's Christmas Booger Cookies" that he hands out to fans during the holidays.

So yeah, last night against Edmonton JR logged in for an entire 5:12 of ice-time and a plus/minus of -1. Who needs Booger Cookies when you're getting quality effort like that? Christmas comes early for Phoenix fans.

Thanks to Slopppydog at LetsGoKings.com for bringing the pic to my attention.

Ultra Suckage

I Can Admit When I'm Wrong

Did you hear Dan Cloutier has started his own airline? All the flights are non-stop.

*rimshot*

So I was at Staples again, watching the Cloutier experiment explode yet another game on the launch-pad before lift-off. And I can tell you, the natives are getting restless. After Danny Boy allowed the second shot on net to become a goal - a shot, mind you, that was taken by the septuagenarian'ish Tony Amonte... from outside the blueline - after that, some very classless and disrespectful people in my section immediately began to boo the struggling goaltender. (read: me). I might have even been the one who started it. Actually, I think I had been booing him since warm-ups. But anyway, that's beside the point. All you could hear were the chants of "Cloutier Sucks! Cloutier Sucks!", and it was relentless. So we're laying it on thicker than Rob Blake's money-clip when this poor bastard three rows in front of me decides he has heard enough. This poor bastard who, incidentally, was wearing a "CLOUTIER" jersey. Authentic, I'm sure. Probably game worn. Hell, Cloutier may have slept in it for all I know. So anyway, Mr. Cloutier Jersey Guy turns around and scolds the poor bastards who are giving Cloutier the business, and for some reason he was staring at me. "Could YOU stop a puck going 100 miles per hour? Could YOU play your best night after night when idiots are booing you? Could YOU even come close to being the athlete he is?" His impassioned, if not warbling voice struck me to the core. It was like I had just gotten the wind knocked out of me and this guy saw right through me. He was right. No, I can't stop 100 mile per hour pucks. And no, since there doesn't seem to be a cup holder or an ashtray anywhere near the goal, there is no way in hell I could spend three hours straight down there night after night. I leaned over the seats in front of me and tapped Mr. Cloutier Jersey Guy on the shoulder. After he flinched and put his hands up, I just said, "Hey man, I'm sorry. And I think I can speak for everyone here in this section when I say we're all sorry. You're right, and we hope you can accept our apology." Mr. Cloutier Jersey Guy accepted our apologies and went back to watching the Flames now shoot pucks from their own goal-line at the Kings net, some having trouble staying on their skates because they are laughing so hard. At that point I felt I needed to set the record straight, lest Dan Cloutier himself think that their were NHL caliber goalies in the stands heckling him. So I stood up and, with every ounce of energy I had I shouted...

"NOT THAT MY OPINION SHOULD COUNT SINCE I AM MERELY A PAYING FAN, BUT COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING, WHEN HIS CURRENT STATISTICS ARE MATCHED UP AGAINST OTHER GOALIES IN COMPETITIVELY SIMILAR SITUATIONS, AND HIS EFFORT IS JUDGED AGAINST GOALIES OF RELATIVELY EQUAL PAY GRADES, CLOUTIER SUCKS!"

Much to my surprise, this chant began to take off, and within seconds my entire section was screaming, "NOT THAT MY OPINION SHOULD COUNT SINCE I AM MERELY A PAYING FAN, BUT COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING, WHEN HIS CURRENT STATISTICS ARE MATCHED UP AGAINST OTHER GOALIES IN COMPETITIVELY SIMILAR SITUATIONS, AND HIS EFFORT IS JUDGED AGAINST GOALIES OF RELATIVELY EQUAL PAY GRADES, CLOUTIER SUCKS! NOT THAT MY OPINION SHOULD COUNT SINCE I AM MERELY A PAYING FAN, BUT COMPARATIVELY SPEAKING, WHEN HIS CURRENT STATISTICS ARE MATCHED UP AGAINST OTHER GOALIES IN COMPETITIVELY SIMILAR SITUATIONS, AND HIS EFFORT IS JUDGED AGAINST GOALIES OF RELATIVELY EQUAL PAY GRADES, CLOUTIER SUCKS!" And I think Mr. Cloutier Jersey Guy appreciated the effort, because he didn't say another word the entire game. I look forward to seeing Mr. Cloutier Jersey Guy again soon, so I can tell him how much better I feel now that I have begun to look inside myself, and not project my own inadequacies onto others.

Bartender? Another drink, please...

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The opinions expressed by Guy LeMonde are not those of Tickles McGinty or anyone associated with Tickles' blog. In fact, they are quite probably not even the opinions of Mr. LeMond himself as he rarely thinks things through and, we believe, has a drinking problem.
•Guy LeMonde can be reached at Guy.LeMonde@gmail.com

Well, American Idol is starting again soon

After scoring a goal from another zip-code, the Flames hug and laugh and give Dan Cloutier a sarcastic thumbs-up, which he didn't see due to the fact that they were half a mile away.

Los Angeles vs Calgary

So the Kings finally have done the impossible; they have my dad talking about not renewing our season tickets. The post '93 Melrose years, the Robinson years, the Andy Murray-is-out-of-ideas years, and now this. My dad says that the Kings do more rebuilding than an epileptic at a Jenga tournament, and that this doesn't even seem like rebuilding. It just seems like sucking. Tell me why Cloutier was in net against the Flames. Go ahead, somebody tell me. On second thought, don't bother, because I don't care. And apparently not a lot of other people care either. It's getting hard to even give Kings tickets away. Sure, the ticket is free, but parking is $10, and a hamburger and a Coke is like $9, and my uncle won't shut-up about the $10 beers and says that 1 free ticket costs him $100 since he can't stand watching the Kings play with less than 9 beers in him.

And has anyone else noticed that all the ticket scalpers now are hispanic? (or Mexican-American, or whatever I'm supposed to say...). They have always been black guys (or African-Americans), but now it's all just Spanish speaking guys. Did the company that does all the scalping get bought by a Latino company? Or is scalping Kings tickets now one of those jobs that suck so bad that no Americans want to do it and they have to hire immigrants to do it? If they build a wall at the border, will people still be able to buy Kings tickets at half-off face value?

Kopitar + Cloutier = 5-3 Loss. The pure suck of Cloutier yet again overpowers the pure greatness of Kopitar.

Roenick Watch

Still Blowing Chunks...

Poor, poor (pitiful) Jeremy Roenick. Last week he got scratched and responded by leaving his team and going out for dinner, drinks, an oil change, a Broadway show, and a full-body massage from the second most popular pygmy-transexual Faye Dunaway impersonator in Vancouver (OK, so we're not 100% sure about the pygmy thing). So he whined and cried and blamed the media as if he were running for minority whip, until Gretzky finally gave in and the two of them tongue-kissed and made up. So on Saturday against Calgary, Roenick was back in the line-up. This was a perfect scenario for a Hollywood ending. Like the new Rocky Balboa movie. You know, "The old guy has something to prove and it ain't over 'till it's over". Well, Roenick Balboa jumped on the ice on Saturday and gave everyone the Hollywood ending in his triumphant return.

However, we're still trying to find a Hollywood ending that involves an over the hill, big mouth, self-absorbed, 1.2-million dollar making dumb ass who gets 9:17 TOI - 0 G - 0A - 0PTS - and is a minus-1. We searched IMDB.COM and the only matches it came up with were a bunch of Steve Guttenberg movies.

Don't ever stop JR. We're your biggest fans!
(And do you know what? We actually really used to be.)

Brust in the Win...

But only for a moment, and the moment's gone.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down... Being a Kings fan is like riding one of those things that go up and down a lot. I can't remember what they're called, but they have one at Busch Gardens in Florida (but they don't have one at the Busch Gardens in Virginia). It's a ride that goes up and down and up and down. And it kinda makes you a little sick, so it's probably best not to ride it if you just ate. It's kinda fun at first, but halfway through the ride you just want it to end. Ugh.. this is driving me crazy. It goes up and down! What is it called. Geez, I'll remember it in a minute.

So Cloutier is out. One of his own teammates said "enough is enough" and pinged him with a shot to the collar bone during warm-ups in San Jose. We don't know who it was, but it was probably Avery. Even though Cloutier was playing better as of late, he was due to start sucking again any day now, so the timing was good I guess. So in comes Barry Brust in his first NHL start AND HE WAS GREAT! The team did not suck in front of him and the Kings ended up whoopin' on some Shark tail. Good job, guys! Sopel is back and he was great (attention Kings management: don't drop the Sopel. hee, hee...). It's nice to know we have a mobile d-man out there to cover things while Rob Blake is busy deciphering how much money he has in the bank with compounded interest. Anyhow, the Kings looked good after having their butts kicked a few nights earlier by the same Sharks. And Kopitar is a stud-muffin.

Then on an early Saturday game against the Dallas Stars (cripes, aren't there like 30 teams in the NHL? We only seem to play 3 of them over and over and over again). The Kings played the first period like they have played most periods this season; like crap. But they turned it on it the second and actually ended up making a good game out of it before losing it in a shoot-out. You know, if they could have avoided the crappy first period, the game was theirs. Brust was in goal again, and looked good even though he let in two in the first. He actually seems alert when he's playing. Maybe it's just because he's scared to death, but he seemed like he was paying attention, and that's more fun to watch. I look forward to watching more Brust, that's for sure. Oh, and Frolov attempted a wrap-around today. That was the first one he's tried since I let him have it here a while ago. I predict that if he does it again in the next game, he will go on a 10 game goalless streak.

And I can't remember the name of that ride. Was it the Pop-up? The Popper? The Jump-Up? Ughh. If anyone knows, please email me and I'll correct it.

Roenick Watch

So when was the last time someone paid you $1.2-million to have a nice dinner, drink some beer, and watch hockey on TV?

Thanks to onhuhgreatwon for the link.

Good D Hunting

Good D Hunting

Rob Blake vs Chris Pronger

So I watched a lot of hockey yesterday. The Ducks played the Panthers, and right after that, the Kings played the Sharks. I hate that I am becoming a Ducks fan... OK, not really a fan so much, but let's just say that if you live in LA and you want to see good hockey played fast and mean, then the Kings aren't exactly the first place to look. But anyway, what I really noticed was how well Pronger is playing, and how crappy Rob Blake is playing. From what I understand, they we're both brought in this year to do the same things for their teams. But one of them is sucking at it, and the other isn't. They remind me of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. They both were like really popular cuz' they won the Oscar for that movie, but since then Ben Affleck has just done crappy movies for big paychecks. Sure, Armageddon was a big hit (read: Avalanche), but it was nothing but a crappy movie filled with lame "star power". On the other hand, Matt Damon for the most part has done some pretty good movies. No blockbusters for the cash so much, but he's done some quality work like Rounders and the Ocean's 11 movies. So Rob Blake is Ben Affleck and Chris Pronger is Matt Damon. One of them cares about the money, the other cares about doing quality work. And as I'm watching the Kings last night, and all I can think of is Pearl Harbor, and Daredevil and Jersey Girl. Then I watched Rob Blake bobble the puck yet again and all I could see in my mind was Gigli, and I immediately logged-on to my Netflix and put Saving Private Ryan at the top on my priority list.

• Final Score: Rob Blake $6-million, Chris Pronger 2 points
  

The Buchwald Report

The thing that surprises most people the first time they meet Darren Pang is the fact that he wears a giant codpiece. It's not hockey related, like a goalie cup or anything like that. No, it's just a big black codpiece, worn outside his suit that is reminiscent of that guy in Cameo. You know, the "Word Up" guy. I don't think anyone knows why Panger wears a codpiece - he just does. After you know him for a while, you just forget it's there. He doesn't bring it up. You don't bring it up. It's just understood - and what the hell, it makes the little guy happy.

The only reason I mention it is because the BevMo I go to is in the same mini-mall as Codpiece City, which is apparently the largest codpiece retailer in North America. BevMo was having a "Boonesfarm for a Buck" sale, and I happened to run into Panger in the parking lot as we were both leaving. We stopped and chatted for a while. He didn't inquire about what was in my bag. Nor did I inquire about what was in his. But we did talk about hockey. And he clued me in on a few happenings that are in the works...

New Jersey wants Satan. "Nothing would make us happier than seeing the name Satan on the back of a Devils jersey. It just seems like a perfect fit." said an unnamed source.

• Buchwald Rating = A8
  

Blues looking at Martin St. Louis. "Nothing would make us happier than seeing the name St. Louis on the back of a Blues jersey. It just seems like a perfect fit." said an unnamed source.

• Buchwald Rating = N2
  

Dallas interested in Roenick. "Nothing would make us happier than seeing JR in Dallas. It just seems like a perfect fit." said an unnamed source.

• Buchwald Rating = Z9
  

Torchetti discussing scouting job with Calgary. "Nothing would make us happier than seeing Torch become a Flame. It just seems like a perfect fit." said an unnamed source.

• Buchwald Rating = E7
  

Roenick Watch

Roenick Watch

Guy LeMonde

Give Peace a Fighting Chance

So a buddy of mine e-mailed me this gem today. It's a piece written by one Bruce Mason, a "staff writer" for The South End, which is apparently the official newspaper of Wayne State University - the intellectual hub of Detroit (their words, not mine. Seriously). In this piece - a scathing rebuke of the pugilistic tendencies of the NHL - Mr. Mason waxes emphatic that if you happen to enjoy the occasional fight that breaks out at a hockey game, then you are miserable; you are garbage; you are an idiot; and alas, you are a loser. Yes, it is Mr. Mason's obvious grasp of 3rd grade name-calling that will someday propel him to journalistic stardom. Not since Frank Deford called Joe Frazier a "poopy-head" in the late 60's has someone shown the promise of our young Mr. Mason. Sure, his arguments are goofy. And yes, he did actually start a paragraph with the phrase "Let me tell you something." And so what if he responded to a counter-point argument - if only rhetorically - with a stern "Not quite.". It's as if he says to the world, "So you have an opinion that differs from mine? One that is possibly supported by years of observation and documented by reams of empirical data? Well do you know what I say to you, good sir? I say... Not quite." Good for you Bruce. Don't let the bastards get you down.

So, I'm getting ready to write a response to this inspired pile of words that Mr. Mason has two-fingered into my life. I've got my thesaurus opened to the word "pansy ass" and I've got a few shots of DeWar's in me (Rule #1, Mr. Mason. Always drink when you write. If you can't drink, then you can't write), and I'm ready to fight. Yeah, that's right... I was ready to fight. Then it hit me like a ton of Todd Bertuzzis. As I double-checked the spelling of the word effete, I started to see where Mr. Mason was coming from. Maybe it was because I had time to really think about it. Maybe it was because I began to question my own sense of morality. Maybe it was because I was beginning to get piss drunk. I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, but it certainly got me to thinking... Maybe there really shouldn't be fighting in hockey. Maybe it is just an outlet for jerks and losers and idiots and poopy-heads. But why stop there? Why do they have to hit each other so hard in the NFL? Playgrounds across the country are spotlighting the true meaning of competition through regular exhibitions of flag football. Imagine the season LaDainian Tomlinson could be having if he didn't have to content with the barbaric notion of getting hit to play in the NFL. And who doesn't love Muhammad Ali? The guy would still be fighting today if there was some sort of target and point system in boxing instead of the actual physical contact inflicted by those neanderthals. And NASCAR? No speeding. Arrive alive, that's what I always say... well at least I WILL always say it from now on.

Come on hockey fans. Can't we all just get along? As the wise and learned Mr. Mason concludes with the very last words in his inspiring editorial, "Without fighting, the world would be much better — and hockey would be much better, too." Amen to that, brother. Amen.

Bartender? Another drink, please...

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The opinions expressed by Guy LeMonde are not those of Tickles McGinty or anyone associated with Tickles' blog. In fact, they are quite probably not even the opinions of Mr. LeMond himself as he rarely thinks things through and, we believe, has a drinking problem.
•Guy LeMonde can be reached at Guy.LeMonde@gmail.com

To Catch a Predator

Los Angeles vs Nashville

Ugh. I can't stand Paul Kariya. I hated him with the Ducks, I hated him with the Avs, and I hate him with the Predators. And not because he always has had a knack for scoring against the Kings. It's because he's the whiniest, cry-babyest, biggest diver in the league. Period. Exclamation mark! End of story! With a cherry on top. If Frolov is the Constantine Maroulis of hockey and Anze Kopitar is the Bo Bice of hockey, then Paul Kariya is the Clay Aiken of hockey. Sure, he may be talented, but there's something that's not quite right, and I can't put my finger on it. And I'll always remember him getting knocked out in the Stanley Cup finals against New Jersey. Dude was laid like a salmon in the supermarket seafood section - just laying on the ice with a creepy glazed eye looking straight up. Then he had the nerve to say in an interview afterwards that "Uh, no... I wasn't knocked out." Kariya couldn't even answer an honest question without diving. Jerk.

Well, Kariya and his Nashville Predators were in town last night and handed the Kings yet another loss. The Preds are actually a pretty good team built from speed and youth (wouldn't that then make them Child Predators?), and the Kings don't seem to have an answer for that. Not on a consistent basis, anyhow. But I do have to say that Cloutier played well. Yes, I'll say it again... Cloutier did not completely suck. He has elevated his game to mediocre, and now that just makes it more obvious that there are many others on the team that suck.

I'm really getting tired of typing the word "suck".

• Final Score: Kings 1, Predators 4

Roenick Watch

Roenick Watch

Roenick Watch

Still Sucks...