Friday, December 08, 2006

Guy LeMonde

Give Peace a Fighting Chance

So a buddy of mine e-mailed me this gem today. It's a piece written by one Bruce Mason, a "staff writer" for The South End, which is apparently the official newspaper of Wayne State University - the intellectual hub of Detroit (their words, not mine. Seriously). In this piece - a scathing rebuke of the pugilistic tendencies of the NHL - Mr. Mason waxes emphatic that if you happen to enjoy the occasional fight that breaks out at a hockey game, then you are miserable; you are garbage; you are an idiot; and alas, you are a loser. Yes, it is Mr. Mason's obvious grasp of 3rd grade name-calling that will someday propel him to journalistic stardom. Not since Frank Deford called Joe Frazier a "poopy-head" in the late 60's has someone shown the promise of our young Mr. Mason. Sure, his arguments are goofy. And yes, he did actually start a paragraph with the phrase "Let me tell you something." And so what if he responded to a counter-point argument - if only rhetorically - with a stern "Not quite.". It's as if he says to the world, "So you have an opinion that differs from mine? One that is possibly supported by years of observation and documented by reams of empirical data? Well do you know what I say to you, good sir? I say... Not quite." Good for you Bruce. Don't let the bastards get you down.

So, I'm getting ready to write a response to this inspired pile of words that Mr. Mason has two-fingered into my life. I've got my thesaurus opened to the word "pansy ass" and I've got a few shots of DeWar's in me (Rule #1, Mr. Mason. Always drink when you write. If you can't drink, then you can't write), and I'm ready to fight. Yeah, that's right... I was ready to fight. Then it hit me like a ton of Todd Bertuzzis. As I double-checked the spelling of the word effete, I started to see where
Mr. Mason was coming from. Maybe it was because I had time to really think about it. Maybe it was because I began to question my own sense of morality. Maybe it was because I was beginning to get piss drunk. I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, but it certainly got me to thinking... Maybe there really shouldn't be fighting in hockey. Maybe it is just an outlet for jerks and losers and idiots and poopy-heads. But why stop there? Why do they have to hit each other so hard in the NFL? Playgrounds across the country are spotlighting the true meaning of competition through regular exhibitions of flag football. Imagine the season LaDainian Tomlinson could be having if he didn't have to content with the barbaric notion of getting hit to play in the NFL. And who doesn't love Muhammad Ali? The guy would still be fighting today if there was some sort of target and point system in boxing instead of the actual physical contact inflicted by those neanderthals. And NASCAR? No speeding. Arrive alive, that's what I always say... well at least I WILL always say it from now on.

Come on hockey fans. Can't we all just get along? As the wise and learned Mr. Mason concludes with the very last words in his inspiring editorial, "Without fighting, the world would be much better — and hockey would be much better, too." Amen to that, brother. Amen.

Bartender? Another drink, please...

The opinions expressed by Guy LeMonde are not those of Tickles McGinty or anyone associated with Tickles' blog. In fact, they are quite probably not even the opinions of Mr. LeMond himself as he rarely thinks things through and, we believe, has a drinking problem.
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